When Behaviour Is Misunderstood: Neurodiversity in Children
There are some children who seem to be described by the adults around them in terms of what they do, rather than what they may be experiencing.
They may sometimes be described as difficult, challenging or unwilling to listen. Perhaps they always struggle to sit still, become distressed easily, find changes difficult or react strongly to situations that other children seem to manage without difficulty. They may also be experiencing ongoing difficulties with school, friendships, transitions, sensory experiences or changes to their routine.
When behaviour becomes difficult to manage, it can be understandable that adults focus on trying to change what they are seeing. However, sometimes there is more happening beneath the surface. For any child or young person, behaviour can sometimes be a way of communicating that something is difficult, overwhelming or not working for them. For children who may be neurodivergent, this can sometimes be particularly important to consider.
Neurodiversity doesn't always look the way we expect
Every child is an individual, with their own strengths, needs, communication style, emotions and experiences. One of the challenges in understanding neurodiversity is that there is no single way a neurodivergent child will experience or express their needs.
Some children may already have a neurodivergent diagnosis, while others may be waiting for an assessment. This can mean that a child spends a significant amount of time being described in terms of the difficulties adults are seeing, without those around them necessarily understanding what may be contributing to those difficulties.
A child who appears to be consistently refusing, reacting strongly or behaving in a challenging way may actually be communicating something that they are struggling to express in another way.
Consider a child who becomes extremely distressed when plans change. From the outside, their response might look like refusal, anger or an overreaction to something that seems relatively small. For a neurodivergent child, however, an unexpected change may feel overwhelming or difficult to process.
Similarly, a neurodivergent child who becomes distressed in a noisy classroom may appear disruptive, when actually the environment has become too much for them to manage. Whereas another neurodivergent child may struggle to explain what they need and instead become frustrated, withdraw or react in a way that adults find difficult.
Overall, the behaviour is what we see, but the reason behind it may not be immediately visible.
This doesn't mean that every behaviour should be understood as being related to neurodivergence, nor does it mean that behaviour should simply be accepted without boundaries or support. Children, whether neurodivergent or not, still need adults to provide safety, consistency and appropriate boundaries. However, taking the time to understand what may be sitting underneath a behaviour can change the way we respond to it.
For many children, including those who are neurodivergent, knowing exactly what they are feeling can be difficult to explain. This can be particularly true when they are overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated or struggling to process what is happening around them.
As adults, we might ask a child, "Why did you do that?" or "Can you tell me what's wrong?" We may genuinely want to understand, but the child may not know how to answer.
They may not have the words to describe their experience. They may not fully understand their own response. Or they may be so overwhelmed in that moment that explaining what is happening simply isn't possible.
This is why it can be important to create opportunities for children to communicate in ways that feel natural and accessible to them.
Play can provide another way to communicate
Play is a familiar and natural way for children to explore the world around them. Through play, children can explore experiences, emotions, relationships and situations that may be difficult to talk about directly.
Play Therapy is child-led, which means the child is given space to explore at their own pace within a safe and supportive therapeutic relationship.
A child isn't expected to sit down and explain everything that has happened or find the "right" words to describe how they feel. They don't have to talk before they are ready.
Instead, play can provide another way for a child to communicate and explore their experiences.
For some children, including some neurodivergent children, having this freedom can be particularly important. Rather than feeling that they are constantly being asked to explain, change or manage their behaviour, they are given a space where they can be themselves and where their experiences can be explored at their own pace.
At Silent Stories, the focus isn't simply on trying to make a child behave differently. It is about creating a space where a child can be understood and supported.
Play Therapy can provide an opportunity for all children to explore emotional experiences that may sit alongside their behaviour. It can also give them space to develop ways of expressing themselves, understanding their feelings and navigating experiences that they may be finding difficult.
For parents and carers, this can sometimes offer a different perspective too.
Instead of only asking, "How do I stop this behaviour?", it can be helpful to become curious about what the behaviour might be communicating.
That doesn't mean ignoring behaviour or removing boundaries. It means looking beyond what we see on the surface and considering what a child may be trying to tell us.
Seeing the child, not just the behaviour.
A child is much more than the behaviour.
Behind any consistent refusal, frustration, withdrawal or emotional outburst is a child who may be trying to make sense of their world. They may need support to communicate what they are experiencing, greater understanding of what overwhelms them, or opportunities to feel more secure and in control.
Most importantly, they may need an adult who is willing to look beyond what they see on the surface and become curious about the child underneath.
At Silent Stories, we provide a safe, supportive and child-led therapeutic space for children and young people aged 3–18.
Through Play Therapy, children can explore their experiences in a way that feels natural to them, without being expected to have all the words. The aim is not to label a child by their behaviour, but to provide a space where they can feel heard, understood and supported.
For parents and carers who are concerned about their child's behaviour, it can be difficult to know what to do next, particularly when it feels as though you have tried everything.
You don't have to work it all out alone.
If you feel there may be more going on underneath your child's behaviour, Play Therapy may provide an opportunity to explore what they are experiencing and consider what support might be helpful.
🌿 Silent Stories supports children and young people across Inverclyde, Renfrewshire, West Dunbartonshire, East Dunbartonshire, Glasgow and surrounding areas.
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