When Children and Teenagers Are Struggling With Bereavement and Loss: Helping Them Find a Way to Express What They Can't Say
When a child or teenager is struggling with loss
When someone important dies, or when a child or teenager experiences another significant loss or separation, adults often look for signs that they are grieving.
We might expect sadness. We might expect tears.
But children don't always grieve in ways that are easy for adults to recognise.
They may become quieter. They may become angry or irritable. They might struggle to sleep, become more anxious about being apart from a parent, lose interest in things they previously enjoyed or seem to have gone backwards in their behaviour.
And sometimes, they may appear to be completely fine.
Children can move in and out of their feelings very quickly. One moment they might be deeply upset and the next they are playing, laughing or asking what is for dinner.
This doesn't mean that they aren't affected by what has happened.
Grief can be difficult to put into words
Adults sometimes ask children questions such as:
"How are you feeling?"
"Are you worried?"
"Do you want to talk about what happened?"
These are caring questions. But for some children, they are surprisingly difficult to answer.
A child may not know what they are feeling.
They may know that something doesn't feel right without understanding why.
They may be frightened about what happens next.
They may have questions they don't know how to ask.
Or they may simply not have the words to explain an experience that feels enormous and confusing.
This is particularly important to remember when a child is experiencing bereavement.
Not talking does not necessarily mean that a child has nothing to say.
Sometimes, they simply need another way to communicate.
Play is one of the natural ways children explore the world around them.
Through play, children can experiment, imagine, repeat experiences, create stories and explore relationships.
For a child who is struggling with loss, play can sometimes provide a way of expressing experiences and emotions that are difficult to explain verbally.
A child might recreate themes of separation.
They might use characters to explore relationships.
They might repeatedly play out particular scenarios.
They might create stories about people leaving and returning.
Or they might simply spend time in an activity that gives them a sense of control and safety.
We don't need to assume that every game or piece of play has a hidden meaning.
Rather, play gives children a language that is familiar to them.
It can give them a way to explore what they are experiencing at their own pace.
One of the important principles of Play Therapy is that the sessions are child-led.
This means the child is not expected to sit down and explain everything that has happened.
They aren't required to answer a series of questions about their feelings.
They don't have to find the "right" words.
Instead, the therapist provides a safe, supportive environment in which the child can choose how they want to use the time.
For some children, that might involve talking.
For others, it might involve drawing, creating, imagining, building, role play or other forms of play.
And sometimes a child may say very little at all.
That is okay.
They don't have to talk before they are ready
There can be a lot of pressure on children to talk about difficult experiences.
We may gently ask:
"Tell me what's wrong."
"You can talk to me."
"How did that make you feel?"
But imagine being asked to explain something when you don't yet understand it yourself.
Or being asked to describe an emotion that you have never had to name before.
For some children, talking about bereavement can feel particularly difficult.
Play Therapy offers another possibility.
The child doesn't need to speak in order to begin expressing what they are experiencing.
Through play, children can communicate in ways that feel more natural and manageable to them.
Over time, as trust develops and the child feels safe, words may come too.
But they don't have to be the starting point.
Giving children some control when life has changed
Loss can change a child's world.
Routines can change.
Relationships can change.
Adults around them may be experiencing their own grief.
Things that once felt predictable can suddenly feel uncertain.
For a child, having a space where they can make choices can therefore be important.
In Play Therapy, the child has an opportunity to make decisions about their play within a safe therapeutic environment.
They can choose.
They can explore.
They can repeat.
They can stop.
They can return to something later.
That sense of having some control can be particularly meaningful when other parts of life may feel outside their control.
There is no single way for a child to grieve
Perhaps one of the most important things we can give children is permission to experience loss in their own way.
Some children want to talk about the person they have lost.
Others don't.
Some cry openly.
Others become angry.
Some want to be around people constantly.
Others need more space.
Some seem to move between intense emotions and ordinary play within minutes.
None of this means that there is a single "correct" way to grieve.
Children are individuals, and their responses to loss will be shaped by their age, understanding, relationships, circumstances and previous experiences.
What matters is that they have supportive adults around them who can notice changes, listen without judgement and give them opportunities to communicate in ways that work for them.
When might additional support be helpful?
Grief itself isn't something that needs to be "fixed".
It is a response to losing someone or something important.
However, sometimes a child can become overwhelmed by what they are experiencing, or their difficulties can begin to affect everyday life.
Parents and carers might notice ongoing changes in:
sleep
school attendance or engagement
friendships
separation from parents or carers
behaviour
emotional regulation
confidence
concentration
anxiety or fears
enjoyment of activities they previously liked
If you are concerned about a child, it can be helpful to seek advice from an appropriate professional who can consider the child's individual circumstances.
When children are struggling with bereavement and loss, our instinct can be to encourage them to talk.
And sometimes talking is exactly what they need.
But sometimes the words aren't there yet.
That doesn't mean the feelings aren't there.
A child may communicate through play, drawing, stories, movement, behaviour or simply through the way they interact with the people around them.
Play Therapy recognises that children don't all communicate in the same way.
Rather than asking a child to explain everything before they are ready, it gives them a safe space in which they can explore and express themselves through a medium that is familiar to them.
Sometimes the most important thing isn't finding the right question to ask.
It is creating enough safety for the child to find their own way of answering.
If your child is struggling after a bereavement or loss
If you are concerned about how your child is coping with bereavement or another significant loss, you don't necessarily need to know exactly what is wrong before seeking support.
Sometimes the starting point is simply recognising that something has changed.
At Silent Stories, Play Therapy provides children with a child-led therapeutic space where children and teenagers, aged3-18, can explore their experiences at their own pace, including when talking about what has happened feels difficult.
You can find out more about Play Therapy and the support available for children and teenagers on our Play Therapy page.
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